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Apology/Explanation

About this Lesson

  • Type: Video Tutorial
  • Length: 19:15
  • Media: Video/mp4
  • Use: Watch Online & Download
  • Access Period: Unrestricted
  • Download: MP4 (iPod compatible)
  • Size: 75 MB
  • Posted: 04/24/2011

After five years of slow deterioration I reached a point where I thought I might die or become mentally destroyed. At this point I had been unable to sleep for six months. I would pass out for two hours, but never really rest. If a human being goes without REM sleep for 3-4 nights they can begin to exhibit symptoms of mental illness, like seeing and hearing things. Normal light and sound caused me intense pain. So I sat in the dark with my eyes rolled back in my head for months and took nearly a year to recover from the worst of it. Trying to watch TV or listen to music overwhelmed my ability to take it in and understand it. The images and words were coming at me too fast to be understood. My time sense broke down and while sitting in that chair it seemed that 15 minutes had passed and when I looked at my watch four hours had gone by. During this period I swung back and forth between suicidal depression and anger. Intense anger turned inward leads to suicide, anger turned outward leads to murder. I was saying things out loud like, “I wish I was dead” and “If you had any guts you would kill yourself”. I was saying these things spontaneously and it felt as if someone else were speaking, not me. I felt like I was going to die, or commit suicide to end my suffering. I was having a physical and emotional breakdown due to a neurological condition. A wasting away of my central nervous system. At the end of one angry rant while on the phone with a friend I came out of it as if in a dream state and asked him how long I had been speaking and what I had been saying. He told me I had been ranting for 30-40 minutes and said yes it was an angry, hate filled, diatribe. My friend of five years never called again. Eventually after much effort, a doctor gave me medication, 10 milligrams of Elavil, and I was gradually able to sleep again. My illness has put me through incredible suffering that I don’t even know how to describe. It lasted years and almost cost me my life. I rapidly lost over 60 lbs and weighed 120 lbs. My parents thought I was going to die and had me move back home to recover. I can only say that I don’t hate anyone.

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mars thom
mars thom
3 lessons
Joined:
04/23/2011

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Explanation Speech: I want to apologize for the hate filled angry rant. I found it disgusting and frightening. I'm especially sorry for the children who heard it and were possibly damaged by it. It is too much to ask for forgiveness, I understand that. I only ask that you try to understand where these awful statements came from, and why they were made. In 1995 I was teaching ESL and while traveling to Guatemala during spring break I became sick. I had surgery to remove a tumor but didn't recover. I developed an autoimmune disease where my own body was attacking itself. My immune system was destroying the myelin sheath, the tissues that are the insulation for the nerves and the white matter of the brain. If you strip the insulation off of electrical wires they don't work so good. This was the same principle. For years I felt like something was eating away my central nervous system. In nature a wasp will lay it's eggs on the back of a caterpillar. When the eggs hatch, they eat the caterpillar alive, saving the brain and central nervous system for last. This description captures how I felt during my illness. At times it felt like I was being eaten alive. After five years of slow deterioration I reached a point where I thought I might die or become mentally destroyed. At this point I had been unable to sleep for six months. I would pass out for two hours, but never really rest. If a human being goes without REM sleep for 3-4 nights they can begin to exhibit symptoms of mental illness, like seeing and hearing things. Normal light and sound caused me intense pain. So I sat in the dark with my eyes rolled back in my head for months and took nearly a year to recover from the worst of it. Trying to watch TV or listen to music overwhelmed my ability to take it in and understand it. The images and words were coming at me too fast to be understood. My time sense broke down and while sitting in that chair it seemed that 15 minutes had passed and when I looked at my watch four hours had gone by. During this period I swung back and forth between suicidal depression and anger. Intense anger turned inward leads to suicide, anger turned outward leads to murder. I was saying things out loud like, “I wish I was dead” and “If you had any guts you would kill yourself”. I was saying these things spontaneously and it felt as if someone else were speaking, not me. I felt like I was going to die, or commit suicide to end my suffering. I was having a physical and emotional breakdown due to a neurological condition. A wasting away of my central nervous system. At the end of one angry rant while on the phone with a friend I came out of it as if in a dream state and asked him how long I had been speaking and what I had been saying. He told me I had been ranting for 30-40 minutes and said yes it was an angry, hate filled, diatribe. My friend of five years never called again. Eventually after much effort, a doctor gave me medication, 10 milligrams of Elavil, and I was gradually able to sleep again. My illness has put me through incredible suffering that I don’t even know how to describe. It lasted years and almost cost me my life. I rapidly lost over 60 lbs and weighed 120 lbs. My parents thought I was going to die and had me move back home to recover. I can only say that I don’t hate anyone. I can honestly say without guilt or reservation that is not how I have behaved, that is not how I have lived my life. From the age of six I played sports and spent my summers at the Boy’s Club with African American kids where I was the minority. I have by choice lived in racially mixed neighborhoods when I could have easily lived in places surrounded by my own race. In my late twenties I quit my job at NASA and taught ESL, English as a second language. I was very idealistic about the American experiment of a multicultural society, and I wanted to change the world. I moved into a Hispanic neighborhood and immersed myself in Spanish. My kids at school came from Mexico, El Salvador, Korea, Vietnam, all over the world. When I travel I go to places like Mexico, Central America and the Caribbean, not Canada. I have dated women with nearly every conceivable ethnic heritage. My first roommate after high school was African American. I have lived on the northeast side of Houston where I was often the only Caucasian in stores or on the street. It is easy to live surrounded by your own race but I’ve often lived in proximity to other races out of choice. I was having a breakdown due to a medical condition, a neurological condition and I can say without reservation that I don't hate anyone. I've made my share of mistakes and bad decisions in life, but the only person I've ever really hurt was myself. I apologize if I seem unemotional, but for years now I have witnessed the torture of some of the finest human beings I have ever known. These activists and whistleblowers have tried to make the world a better place and in doing so have paid the ultimate price. Their's is a fate worse than death. I have watched them suffer endless torture for years. I am not without feeling, it is simply that at times I feel that I have no more tears left. The charges I've made against alleged criminals in Army intelligence are the most serious charges ever made and I do not make them lightly. These are crimes against humanity and treason, crimes that carry the ultimate penalty. The outcome of this struggle will decide not just the fate of a few hundred activists, or a few thousand do-gooders, it will decide whether your lives are in the hands of desperate men armed with terrible weapons. Men who will stop at nothing to win. There will be no second chances. You must believe your own common sense and your own eyes and act in unison. The basic case being made has been reduced to four facts and if these facts ring true then everything else you are told doesn't really matter. What are you going to believe, your own eyes, or what anonymous people tell you to believe. Have you ever seen such a ton of bricks fall on one man's head. In the words of the late CIA director William Colby, "The stronger the truth the stronger the reaction against it". We are engaged in a mutual journey of discovery. A journey like a roller coaster ride, you sit down and the safety bar snaps into place. It starts with a slow climb to a great height. You feel exhilarated, you can see for miles. A new definition of what it means to be a human being. The fact that there are virtually no limits to what human beings can accomplish. Beginnings are delicate times and the honeymoon will be short. Audio and video tapes that depict violent rages, and racist rants that discredit and humiliate. Some things are fabricated and some are real, or a combination of the two. The best lies are a mixture of the truth and a lie welded together. The roller coaster plunges straight down, immediately changing from Winston Churchill to Hitler overnight. Websites and cell phones, the blogs and tweets might be hacked into and now messages might be coming from someone else. The press denounces the vile creature and the plunge down may spell the end. The roller coaster after plunging to the bottom now begins to rise back up, or it might not recover. Apologies are made and disaster might be diverted. This gentle listeners, is the journey we are on. The smoke screen is designed to shoot the messenger to avoid confronting the logical argument and the truth based upon the four facts. Public microwave weapons like the ADS and milliwave radars exist. The prior pattern of criminal behavior, half a million human guinea pigs, Cointelpro hit lists of activists, MKULTRA torture used to break minds to control them. Credible witnesses who fit a common profile have testified. Persons of interest, alleged criminals in military intelligence in charge of developing nonlethal microwave weapons for the Army since 1980. People who have worked at Los Alamos weapons labs where the atomic bomb was invented in secret. Men who have expressed admiration for MKULTRA, who have expressed interest in using nonlethal weapons to "neuter people". Some intelligence officers have advocated using ELF nonlethal weapons on civilians in their own homes. And as if this were not enough, some of these individuals have participated in a smoke screen cover up operation. These are facts before your very eyes. The weapons are virtually for sale online. The historical crimes are undisputable facts. The credible testimony of witnesses who fit a common profile. And persons of interest who must be investigated. These four facts are all that is necessary for reasonable people to agree that these crimes are taking place and must be stopped at all costs. To the targeted individuals suffering unspeakable torture everyday, I wish to say, don't become despondent when there are set backs, there will be good days and bad days. Do not give up, freedom will come. Evil men armed with weapons of incredible power will stop at nothing to win. They will not surrender, you must defeat them. Do not be fooled into working against each other. The whole truth will emerge slowly, a process that will take time. Perhaps a year or more. Remember the Agriculture department official named Sherrod, the woman who gave a speech that was offensive, but when the entire video was made public the truth was, that she was talking about her personal journey, and she was anything but racist. I am asking people not to make up their minds right away because of information they are not getting, information that will change their minds, so please do not immediately come to any final conclusions. This roller coaster is not for the faint of heart but by the end of the chaotic ride we will accomplish what we set out to do. It is imperative that we not only end this secret dirty war being waged by military intelligence, but we must make sure that the conditions that make such a war possible never occur again. This means that besides stopping a new arms race in directed energy weapons and getting the whole truth, we must rethink the idea of fortress America. To ensure we keep our Republic we must shift away from wars without end, away from depending upon military superiority alone, to keep us safe. The American people must hold a conversation. We must decide to change the world as we know it. More military spending and weapons of increasing power are a road that leads nowhere. The answer I am advocating is to create a new scientific humanitarian initiative to displace military spending as the driving economic and political force in the world. We must set out to gradually engineer a more peaceful world to make the world safe for Democracy instead of depending upon fortress America to keep us safe. This is a conversation we must have to decide what path the people wish to take. The world is waiting for our leadership and it is time we lead them, not to a Utopia, but to a better future. The greatness of America is not in her military might, but in her ideals.

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